Before I left the library yesterday to go shopping with my Mum and her partner Tony, I was writing this:
"I am sick and tired of how influenced by fear I am when I am around Tony. I fear being myself, I hold back within myself, I feel intimidated, I feel that I need to back down, I feel that I need to submit, I feel like I am less than him, I feel afraid of asserting myself and simply being myself in expression around him, all in fear that he will put me down in some way, or tell me how it is dumb of me to stand up and live the change in this world, in fear that he will talk down to me and say how this is how the world is and it will always be like that - there will always be abuse, it's just how things are."
About five minutes later I walked to our car in the street and he blows up at me over not sorting out my phone things that I was going to do yesterday but then realized that it is not so urgent at the moment (I needed to sort out my mobile phone in order to be able to call from our Farm at a certain time these people who I am buying a Van from). He went on and on trying to put me down, belittling me, saying that I never have my head screwed on, saying that I don't think enough and plan ahead, and on and on and on. He raised his fist ready to punch me like he always does when he is pissed off with me, saying he could wipe me out with one punch. I finally spoke up and stood up to him without fear and told him to fuck off, yelling myself, just fucking fed up with how I have always feared him, always felt intimidated, fed up with how he tries to dominate me and believe himself to be superior, having had enough of never feeling comfortable with being myself in my expression around him without him having a go at me because I am not what he expects a man to be - then I realized that a lot of my fear of him left me. A lot of fear of not being liked and accepted by people left me.
But on and on he goes, saying that he does not like me, saying that most people don't like me, saying that I am pathetic, not understanding the struggles I have been going through in terms of pushing myself to stop self-interest, figuring out how to direct myself, figuring out who I actually AM in my expression, instead of existing as the personality of "David" and speaking and interacting as that, that which I have always believed to be "me", figuring out how to be myself around people like him and my Mum when for all of my life with Mum, and almost half of my life with Tony, all I have ever BEEN has been this personality - I have to find my way into speaking as ME HERE without fear. I can get so caught up in the automatic personalities that I have allowed myself to become when in their presence. I have to push moment by moment to be here in my expression and direct myself, and figure out who the fuck I actually am. But sometimes I give up, sometimes I do get caught within bouts of depression and confusion at times, where I can experience myself as not knowing what the fuck to do, and sometimes I slip back into personality and self-interest. I fuck up, I can hesitate in uncertainty in fear, sometimes I go into a depression, sometimes I want nothing more than to just disappear to a remote, desolate place in New Zealand so I don't have to talk to anyone for a while, so I can work myself out without having to be this and that for people, without having to talk to others when I simply don't want to talk, without being judged all of the time. I can seem distant at times because I get preoccupied with these fucking conflicts within myself, mostly when I allow fear and self-interest to get the better of me. It all gets too much for me at times. He doesn't understand what the fuck I am having to face, and what I am actually doing. It can be confusing stopping the mind and all ideas of who I am based on personality, when for so long I have believed myself to be this, just as he believes himself to be who he thinks he is. His whole life he has never questioned anything, and always makes excuses as to why abuse exists, and why it is just the way it is, and that there will ALWAYS be some kind of abuse - I mean here is this big, physically strong guy who feels the need to impose his views of the world upon everyone else, and he's arrogant, intimidating and he can be aggressive... I have always felt anxiety around him. But I realized that I have to be myself no matter what, I can't be what he thinks a man should be, I can't fear him anymore, I can't give a shit about what he says and what he thinks. I have to be myself without fear. I HAVE to BE MYSELF WITHOUT FEAR. No matter who I am with, no matter what the situation, no matter who judges and attacks me, no matter even if everyone in this country hates me. I am standing up for/as life and I see that I don't require the acceptance of people. I don't need to be what people want me to be. I don't need others to 'think good' of me, something Tony is very concerned about - he says that a lot of people don't like me. I don't have the time for that, I don't care - I am only focused on standing for/as life and facing the shit here in this world, ridding myself of self-interest and ego, stopping thoughts, stopping energy, stopping all of the bullshit, transcending fears, pushing myself to FULLY CARE FOR ALL LIFE, facing the atrocities in this world, to stand up fully for the animals, the children, the people starving in this world, to understand what they are going through, to understand that I must go full out in standing up and that there can be no half measures, no uncertainty, no FEAR. THIS has been my focus - not finding friends, not making sure that I am accepted by others, not concerned about what people think - I'm not interested in those things. I am so sick and tired of someone pressuring me to be just like they are, to being what they believe a man should be.
Currently I am pushing myself to face the most hideous abuse in this world that I have refrained from doing in fear. I have trapped myself too often in fear in some way or another. It is kind of embarrassing and humiliating that I have fucked around in fear for too long now, and I only see this once I face the fear and realized that I was wasting my time in it, that it does not make a difference, and in the end my allowance of it only brings a constriction and discomfort within me. I am pushing myself to stand completely and absolutely for/as life with no hesitation, no uncertainty, no fear.
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8 comments:
Tony is that your moms new friend? And did he actually physically abuse you? Did you talk to your mom about what he does and asked for her perspective?
Very cool your pushing yourself David, never give up on yourself
Cool David, release all your fear!
No, Tony has been with my Mum for about nine years. He hasn't done anything serious to me yet though - the most so far has been thrusting me against the wall threatening to punch me in the face, raising his fist ready to hit me the way he always does. If this tension between us keeps up then I wouldn't be surprised if something serious happens though. Mum doesn't really know what to say about this.
I am sick of not knowing how to be myself around him, not knowing how to be free of anxiety and to be calm around him, and I'm having to push to work this out. Also there are other points I am having to push myself with, especially that of facing the atrocities of this world and stopping personality shit, stopping self-interest, and pushing myself to stop hiding in fear. Having someone around who can't stand me and complains about everything I do and hates me being at the farm - and a thousand other things - when I'm only pushing to sort my shit out, it really is something I can do without.
But pushing through my reactions to him is also something I need to work through - to let go of the anxiety, the frustration, the wishing that he would just leave and not come back, the disappointment I experience when he arrives home, the wanting to just get away from him when he is at home, the desire to get my van and disappear from all of the people who apparently don't like me... I am going to have to be patient and work through all of the points. I don't want to run away in my Van and go and live in the forest like a Chris McCandless, as if that is going to solve this. I'll have to sort through these points and pull apart the components of the personality that I am with him and let them go, fully stand and be myself in his presence, and that is about all for now. It can't matter whether he likes me or not - the important thing is being myself.
It would be cool to not have to talk, to not have to interact with people unless what we have to say to one another is actually supportive of one another, is resolving something, is working through a point, or is an expression - there is none of that with people - you're just expected to be a fixed, limited personality and be what they think you should be and that's that. You're expected to fit in and be 'normal' and acceptable, be a 'man' - no one gives a shit about self-honesty. It is just surviving, living the same thing each day with the same thoughts, as the same personality, as if this is all there is to the human being. As if this is actually the being LIVING and EXISTING - it is not.
It is kind of strange and difficult pushing to work out how to exist in this world and live practically in the system in self-honesty, as myself, when so many people judge, attack, misunderstands, have expectations of what you should be... but I will find my way through all of this.
Thanks
Did you think about going to the farm to live there for a while David? I remember Bernard suggesting it, maybe it would be a good idea, it would make things go more effective for you and give you more opportunities at the moment I think, then alone there in australia with not much access to the online platform we are very busy with. Maybe contact Bernard about it. You are living with an abuser who does not seem likely to stop. No matter what you do.
Hi Ann,
The last week or so has been better. The more I push myself to be myself and not get so caught up in my reactions, the less he has seemed angry with me. So the more I push through all of the points I have had difficulty with, the more I am enjoying myself and relaxing, and so the others seem to enjoy being around me more. Though I still get easily caught within automatic personalities and have to figure out how to talk as myself, instead of being "David" as "Sandy's son" talking. All of these things I have to work out, then I need to stand fully for life to stop bullshit abuse, and man can some points be difficult to transcend, though I am doing it - no one has any idea of what I am doing - if they did they would think I am mad, they would try to say that I am wrong and try to talk me out of it because they don't understand yet, that abuse is normal, and on and on and on. It can be really weird finding my way through all of this.
Maybe I can be irritating and annoying to people when I am stuck on a point, preoccupied, or when feeling lost in fear and uncertainty - I've been pushing myself to face my fears and face the worst fucking abuse in this world - something I have had great resistance with in the past - and the more I do that the more strength I find within/as myself, so then I am much more certain, and much less hesitant, much less tense and much more relaxed.
Maybe it was useful for Tony to get up me then, to show how preoccupied I can be with fears and uncertainties, and that it's time to get a move on and face everything head on, to not dither about in fear and uncertainty. I get annoyed with me when I get stuck with my fears and don't just face them - I don't suppose that I could blame anyone else for getting annoyed either. But what is frustrating is how he has put me down and has judged me without understanding what I am dealing with, and not knowing how to explain this to someone like him yet who has invested all of himself into self-interest, family, entertainment, surviving, justifications for abuse, relationships... you know, just like any other 'normal' person does on this Earth. But eventually I will do this, I will help him and Mum see the common sense, I will show them the insanity of allowing abuse and how we must understand the actual reality of this in order to understand that we all must fully stand. Anyone who justifies abuse has no comprehension of the actual reality of what is happening in this world.
I'm living in New Zealand at the moment, here on our Farm. I have considered going back to the Desteni Farm - I would certainly be ready for it now, and it would be good to get back on the internet and back into the Desteni activities. I feel kind of out of touch with what is happening with Desteni now. I get online about once a week for an hour, maybe two, with a 100MB allowance each time - not enough to hear all of the videos and get on the forums or even start the SRAT course, which is a shame.
I might contact Bernard about it, but I will get my passport sorted out first. When did Bernard suggest me going back? It's been a long time since I have talked to him.
But I am stranded in New Zealand for now; my passport got destroyed by condensation when I left it on the windowsill, and all of the moisture running down the window soaked and ruined it - my own breathing at night ruined it! For a long time I thought it was a ghost but then figured out how it happened, haha.
For now I am going to start traveling throughout New Zealand in the Van that I bought recently and just chill out, work about the place, see the country, then once I have this passport sorted out I will see. I'll post some pictures of the Van on Facebook soon.
Process-wise I am doing ok on my own - it is mostly the matter of facing my fears and becoming extremely aware of what is going on in this world, understanding suffering, not shying away because of fear of pain, etc, and pushing myself to get rid of any kind of specialness or self-interest.
It would be cool to get back onto the Farm now that I can be really effective, and to do this SRAT course because that seems very crucial - it seems like I am missing out on too much important stuff. And just to talk to people about these things would be nice - this is probably the most I have talked/written through these things to anyone for a long time. But at least for my own process I know what to do and I'm finding my way through and I trust that I can do this. I don't have a problem being alone and with loneliness because life fills any emptiness I could experience - just have to push and I'll be fine.
Thanks.
Yead David, why don't you come to the Farm again? We've got enough room.
OK cool, I'd love to come back. I don't have a lot planned besides traveling for a few months or so anyway. After that I was either considering going back to SA or start something in Australia.
So that is OK with Bernard and everyone at the Farm? Can you make sure of that Leila? and if everything is cool then I will start organizing a time to come over again. It would probably be in 3-4 months - however long it takes to sort out this passport.
Thanks.
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