I am clinging to the mind. I keep clinging. What do I fear losing? When I have a look at what I am holding onto, what else is it but fear? That is the basis of the idea of myself - it is all rooted in fear. The fear of giving up thought. The fear of giving up fear. The fear of giving up everything I believe myself to be, which is all actually a lie, and has nothing to do with who I really am. The fear of giving up familiarity, and knowing where the road is going to end. Though the road always ends in a dead end - I am certain of this. The fear of the unknown. It is all fear! That's it - that's the entirety of my whole existence as the mind - fear. I am holding onto that which only brings with it fear, misery, and limitation - that's it.
I keep trying to do it all in one hit. Which is how I almost went crazy before. OK, I am going to take it easy. Take it one breath at a time...let go slowly. I have tried to do it all at once and it was too much for me. I am tired of feeling exhausted. If I relax a little more I may be more effective.
Bye
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Friday, January 2, 2009
Resistance and Fear in Relation to Giving Up the Mind
Lots of shit going on at the moment - the point in my neck is really intense. Though I here am relatively stable.
The point that has come up lately is am I actually 100% serious about this? Would I actually give myself up for existence, or do I really want to continue as a mere idea living for self-interest? There is so much fear in me to fully let go. Always a hesitation and a resistance to fully letting go. Right now, a little system, a fear, going "What if". Am I going to limit myself to this?
It is when I get to that point of purity, beyond the self-interest, that I would do anything for this world as myself. But too often I don't consider ANYTHING but myself! It's like I completely forget that they are actually me, so lost within the head, definitions and apparent separation. It is an awful feeling, but a part of me clings to it! Otherwise I would have given it up long ago. But I am only clinging to misery and limitation - that is what living as the mind is. That is all it is. That's why people need so much from the outside; because within them they are so empty, like a shell. That's all the mind is. There is nothing there.
So I have to transcend this point and stand up for myself fully. A lot of resistance to this. A lot of fear in regards to giving up the mind. There is this absolute clinging feeling within me, this soreness in the back of my neck. I am not separate from this! I am the one doing this! Ok...so do I actually want to let go? Why would I hold on? I am always miserable when in the mind - I feel awful as it. I don't want to live like that. So why cling to this? Why not relax and let go?
It is realizing that I am actually all. This is what I need to really confirm to myself, and never forget again. In this I can give myself up, because then I am giving up an idea for everything as me. I have to realize everything as me, otherwise I will remain selfish and not even care or consider anything else. I am ashamed of being so selfish. I don't even deserve to be on this planet. Too often I am numb to everything, so consumed by mind bullshit. Other times I am more sensitive and alive and see how crucial it is to get people to stop. I want to kill the selfish David of the mind, because he is practically dead anyway! I feel dead as it - it does not even feel like me anymore. Just a mess of fear, worry, anxiety - rubbish. I am over myself as that. There is something more here that I would like to explore, no matter how much fear and resistance I have. I don't want to be in the dead end of the mind anymore.
I have to dissolve this system because it is huge! I have to learn to relax more...
Ok, bye.
The point that has come up lately is am I actually 100% serious about this? Would I actually give myself up for existence, or do I really want to continue as a mere idea living for self-interest? There is so much fear in me to fully let go. Always a hesitation and a resistance to fully letting go. Right now, a little system, a fear, going "What if". Am I going to limit myself to this?
It is when I get to that point of purity, beyond the self-interest, that I would do anything for this world as myself. But too often I don't consider ANYTHING but myself! It's like I completely forget that they are actually me, so lost within the head, definitions and apparent separation. It is an awful feeling, but a part of me clings to it! Otherwise I would have given it up long ago. But I am only clinging to misery and limitation - that is what living as the mind is. That is all it is. That's why people need so much from the outside; because within them they are so empty, like a shell. That's all the mind is. There is nothing there.
So I have to transcend this point and stand up for myself fully. A lot of resistance to this. A lot of fear in regards to giving up the mind. There is this absolute clinging feeling within me, this soreness in the back of my neck. I am not separate from this! I am the one doing this! Ok...so do I actually want to let go? Why would I hold on? I am always miserable when in the mind - I feel awful as it. I don't want to live like that. So why cling to this? Why not relax and let go?
It is realizing that I am actually all. This is what I need to really confirm to myself, and never forget again. In this I can give myself up, because then I am giving up an idea for everything as me. I have to realize everything as me, otherwise I will remain selfish and not even care or consider anything else. I am ashamed of being so selfish. I don't even deserve to be on this planet. Too often I am numb to everything, so consumed by mind bullshit. Other times I am more sensitive and alive and see how crucial it is to get people to stop. I want to kill the selfish David of the mind, because he is practically dead anyway! I feel dead as it - it does not even feel like me anymore. Just a mess of fear, worry, anxiety - rubbish. I am over myself as that. There is something more here that I would like to explore, no matter how much fear and resistance I have. I don't want to be in the dead end of the mind anymore.
I have to dissolve this system because it is huge! I have to learn to relax more...
Ok, bye.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Vastness of Existence
We were listening to Bernard just now and he said to me that I am heavily prgrammed. That for life after life I have been 'the system's boy', the one who learns to get very good at being a servant because people keep saying how good I am at certain tasks, which I suppose is meant to make me feel good about myself. I have always adjusted to the system not because I like it but because of desire for survival. Then eventually I would become one of those people who like to have the best things, to show off to others - for example, a nice house, a nice car - all of the things which apparently mean 'success', all of the things people value themselves with. Which was exactly what my Dad did. Though he was never happy. Go figure.
There is a rage within me, a fire here that is actually me, willing and able to destroy this design of myself. It disgusts me, these programs, the programs that has become this entire existence - the way the entire world is of mediocrity. Every time I limit myself to the ideas of myself I become furious within myself, because it is simply unacceptable. How anyone can live under so much dominance and within such limitation I don't know. It's a joke how we have all reduced ourselves to this. Obviously it is not who we really are, though I have been living this limitation my whole "life", and lives before that - the same thing over and over. It's a dead end yet almost everyone on earth is living as this mind. Everyone is miserable but they keep going! The same for me - I fall into the same traps and make the same mistakes, and don't push when I need to, far too often.
Bernard said that when you are in irritation and frustration, that is cool - you are pushing through a point. Though when you fall into despair and depression, you have not pushed through - you have 'failed', so to speak. The system will push at every angle. I too often go into despair. I don't think my anger and my rushing to get it all done in one hit, plus me being hard on myself, helps, though.
I push too hard sometimes, and not nearly hard enough at others. I need to create a balence between these two points. I go from one extreme to the other at the snap of a finger. I must stabilize myself more. Not be in such a panic. I see the world and myself and the programs, the ideas of myself, all of this rubbish, and at times I feel that I can stop it all at once within me - no more fucking ideas about myself which is not even who I really am! It is a dead end - I do not even exist when I am living as the idea of myself. And I know it isn't who I am - I have seen the program running, doing its thing just like programs do - cycling over the same things over and over again.
I just have to stop all of this bullshit and get on with the main work - amalgamating with this world. I have realized that this mind isn't who I really am, also the ideas/definitions/perceptions/beliefs about myself - this is all false too. Why do I keep reverting back to the same patterns, believing them to be me, when at other points I have seen that clearly they are not? I am tired of being so unstable - I need to be clear and certain - no huge realizations then going back to the same old patterns again, the same old shit. Yes, quite a lot of frustration at the moment. Frustration for having so much shit in me. Impure. Also this entire world being contaminated with systems, and having to become equal and one with this, also knowing that this is not going to end overnight. Eternal patience. I don't think it helps to be frustrated. It took billions of years for us to get to this point - it is not going to end overnight. We have to go through ridiculous shit in this messed up existence we have made first, for a while - we have to get people to remember who they actually are, which is going to take a while. That's what I would like to assist people with - realizing the silent space within them, and destroying the perceptions and ideas people have of themselves as being this chattering mind that is never satisfied and is always in need of something outside of itself to charge itself. I mean that is pretty messed up - that people think it is normal to believe that they need people and things outside of themselves to fulfil them, which is the complete rejection and ignorance of themselves here. I mean how messed up are we? Wouldn't this entire world transform if people only knew who they are - then almost all of the shit that goes on in this world - as a result of people's misery and emptiness within them - would stop. I mean no one on this earth is truely satisfied, but they keep going with their fucked up limited existence as an idea/perception/opinion of themselves all the same. As I still am doing. The problem with me is I am still suppressing a lot of points. Not effectively clearing them, so that when I am here and clear for a moment, it is still a volcano ready to explode within me - I have not dealt with the point yet.
Esteni said to me to give myself two years to work through this point I am on now - the system in my neck, the whole failure point, and everything in regards to complication and confusion, etc. To be easier on myself - to see that I have lived the way I have, believing this system to be me, for 20+ years - two years is not much. I just don't want to be a robot anymore. I do not accept myself as a robot, but I accept that I am one right now. Yes, many systems, all in my body. Accept it and stop the fighting, the denials, the suppressions. And there is no use being depressed. Rushing and being impatient is also not helping me.
I'm designed to go along with the Matrix and accept things the way they are. I'm supposed to be dominated by it. I am supposed to be the servant/the banker/the cannon fodder of the Matrix. I will play the game but I am not limiting myself to the system and my own system, because it is pointless to even exist if I am going to live under so much limitation. I am going to make money by buying property then renting it out. This should be fun in a way. I am inclined to get obsessed with this - wanting lots of money, wanting a nice place to live, and lots of nice things. That is the shit that comes up when looking at doing this. Just wanting to serve self-interest, which is not really what I am interested in actually. It is programs. I'm designed to want a nice safe place for myself to survive in, then waste myself on useless things and forget about everyone else. I am really a selfish fool at the core of my programmed self. I don't even see the point for my existence as this, which is why I am so angry for accepting and allowing this. It really is ridiculous programs. I wonder why anyone even exists. I become so miserable when I am in the mind, living a fake existence. Does anyone actually realize how miserable they are, or is even this suppressed? What is the point for continuing and surviving in this misery and limitation of the mind? I don't get it at all.
Anyway, bye.
There is a rage within me, a fire here that is actually me, willing and able to destroy this design of myself. It disgusts me, these programs, the programs that has become this entire existence - the way the entire world is of mediocrity. Every time I limit myself to the ideas of myself I become furious within myself, because it is simply unacceptable. How anyone can live under so much dominance and within such limitation I don't know. It's a joke how we have all reduced ourselves to this. Obviously it is not who we really are, though I have been living this limitation my whole "life", and lives before that - the same thing over and over. It's a dead end yet almost everyone on earth is living as this mind. Everyone is miserable but they keep going! The same for me - I fall into the same traps and make the same mistakes, and don't push when I need to, far too often.
Bernard said that when you are in irritation and frustration, that is cool - you are pushing through a point. Though when you fall into despair and depression, you have not pushed through - you have 'failed', so to speak. The system will push at every angle. I too often go into despair. I don't think my anger and my rushing to get it all done in one hit, plus me being hard on myself, helps, though.
I push too hard sometimes, and not nearly hard enough at others. I need to create a balence between these two points. I go from one extreme to the other at the snap of a finger. I must stabilize myself more. Not be in such a panic. I see the world and myself and the programs, the ideas of myself, all of this rubbish, and at times I feel that I can stop it all at once within me - no more fucking ideas about myself which is not even who I really am! It is a dead end - I do not even exist when I am living as the idea of myself. And I know it isn't who I am - I have seen the program running, doing its thing just like programs do - cycling over the same things over and over again.
I just have to stop all of this bullshit and get on with the main work - amalgamating with this world. I have realized that this mind isn't who I really am, also the ideas/definitions/perceptions/beliefs about myself - this is all false too. Why do I keep reverting back to the same patterns, believing them to be me, when at other points I have seen that clearly they are not? I am tired of being so unstable - I need to be clear and certain - no huge realizations then going back to the same old patterns again, the same old shit. Yes, quite a lot of frustration at the moment. Frustration for having so much shit in me. Impure. Also this entire world being contaminated with systems, and having to become equal and one with this, also knowing that this is not going to end overnight. Eternal patience. I don't think it helps to be frustrated. It took billions of years for us to get to this point - it is not going to end overnight. We have to go through ridiculous shit in this messed up existence we have made first, for a while - we have to get people to remember who they actually are, which is going to take a while. That's what I would like to assist people with - realizing the silent space within them, and destroying the perceptions and ideas people have of themselves as being this chattering mind that is never satisfied and is always in need of something outside of itself to charge itself. I mean that is pretty messed up - that people think it is normal to believe that they need people and things outside of themselves to fulfil them, which is the complete rejection and ignorance of themselves here. I mean how messed up are we? Wouldn't this entire world transform if people only knew who they are - then almost all of the shit that goes on in this world - as a result of people's misery and emptiness within them - would stop. I mean no one on this earth is truely satisfied, but they keep going with their fucked up limited existence as an idea/perception/opinion of themselves all the same. As I still am doing. The problem with me is I am still suppressing a lot of points. Not effectively clearing them, so that when I am here and clear for a moment, it is still a volcano ready to explode within me - I have not dealt with the point yet.
Esteni said to me to give myself two years to work through this point I am on now - the system in my neck, the whole failure point, and everything in regards to complication and confusion, etc. To be easier on myself - to see that I have lived the way I have, believing this system to be me, for 20+ years - two years is not much. I just don't want to be a robot anymore. I do not accept myself as a robot, but I accept that I am one right now. Yes, many systems, all in my body. Accept it and stop the fighting, the denials, the suppressions. And there is no use being depressed. Rushing and being impatient is also not helping me.
I'm designed to go along with the Matrix and accept things the way they are. I'm supposed to be dominated by it. I am supposed to be the servant/the banker/the cannon fodder of the Matrix. I will play the game but I am not limiting myself to the system and my own system, because it is pointless to even exist if I am going to live under so much limitation. I am going to make money by buying property then renting it out. This should be fun in a way. I am inclined to get obsessed with this - wanting lots of money, wanting a nice place to live, and lots of nice things. That is the shit that comes up when looking at doing this. Just wanting to serve self-interest, which is not really what I am interested in actually. It is programs. I'm designed to want a nice safe place for myself to survive in, then waste myself on useless things and forget about everyone else. I am really a selfish fool at the core of my programmed self. I don't even see the point for my existence as this, which is why I am so angry for accepting and allowing this. It really is ridiculous programs. I wonder why anyone even exists. I become so miserable when I am in the mind, living a fake existence. Does anyone actually realize how miserable they are, or is even this suppressed? What is the point for continuing and surviving in this misery and limitation of the mind? I don't get it at all.
Anyway, bye.
Structural Resonance - Failure
I had a Kiniesiology session with Andrea once, and she said my entire structural resonance is based on failure. So I as the program will always interpret everything I do as wrong, fearing that I am fucking up and failing. When I go into a mindhaze due to my worry that I am fucking up, I constantly make it worse by judging myself for being stuck in it in the first place, with thoughts saying "I'm failing, I'm fucking up" over and over and over again. The problem is I keep focusing on this, which creates more of it. All of this is happening within the back of my neck.
The tiniest things throughout the day that I participate within I can fear that I am failing, but mostly it is within myself that this happens. I can fear that I am failing when I fear that I am failing!!? It is all automatic - this is my program! Man! I don't want to live like this anymore.
So I need to flag all of the points where I go into this. Once I clear this system, absolutely nothing will stand in my way, because it was this that stood in my way - something of my own creation. It's plagued me most of my life in every way - this one point. Failure, with lots of derivatives of this - that's basically how I have defined myself and lived my entire life. Time for that to go. Right now it doesn't feel like a part of me, but something plastered and stuck in me - something that does not belong there. It has only limited me and that's all. I'm ready to move on from this. I am still a little apprehensive - this will probably be the end of my perceived self as mind. The whole idea of myself as the mind is based purely on fear - that is its roots. It is only limitation, something I used to like but it's unbearable now. It's not natural to be limited.
I was doing an Osho Tarot Card reading with Esteni, and she said to me to focus on your expression, not the problem. This whole time I have been focusing on the problem instead of myself here.
My cards were:
Moment to moment (issue)
We are the World (one on top of issue)
Thunderbolt (unconscious influences)
Adventure (conscious influences)
The Lovers (past patterns)
Participation (future patterns)
Understanding (who I am in relation to the issue)
Completion (Environment Card)
Suppression (Desires/Denials)
Celebration (outcome/key)
Esteni said the coolest thing about the Celebration card. First she said to point out the problems in the picture. I let my logical mind come in and say that they could get cold, they could get washed away, the flower petals would not be softly flowing down like that with so much rain, they could get washed away, etc. But regardless of all of this, the people dancing in the card, despite the rain and the flood - it didn't matter. Nothing mattered because they were expressing themselves. So what does this say? That no matter what problems there are, a system in my neck, or the world in chaos - be expressive and be yourself. Express yourself here. Because it's this expression which will stop the mess!! not the focusing on and brooding about the problem! I have been limiting myself entirely by focusing on this system in my neck, dwelling within it, and trying to fix it from the mind, instead of moving myself here and simply remembering who I really am. So I always felt stuck and lost within it, and so limited. That is no way to stop the system. Only the being can shut down the computer. The computer can't do it. It will fuck itself. So expression here in simplicity is the key, not focusing and dwelling on the problem.
The suppression card was this system of failure that I have been keeping going by focusing on it instead of simply living. I'd try to do both at the same time. I just need to flag these points where I go into the belief that I am failing and fucking up and dispel this. Esteni said I have to fail. What is failure to me? Well, the way I have been seeing it is that I fail when I am stuck in the mind, and in a mind haze. When I am thinking. So that must mean I am failing quite a lot. That sounds pretty stupid when I lay it out like this. Why do I keep trusting this mind? Why do I keep living in the fear that I am fucking up in some way in whatever I do, instead of giving myself the chance to live? Do I fear living or something? That is the point that comes up now. A fear of living?! Phew. OK, I am going to get through this point, I am sure of it.
Write later.
The tiniest things throughout the day that I participate within I can fear that I am failing, but mostly it is within myself that this happens. I can fear that I am failing when I fear that I am failing!!? It is all automatic - this is my program! Man! I don't want to live like this anymore.
So I need to flag all of the points where I go into this. Once I clear this system, absolutely nothing will stand in my way, because it was this that stood in my way - something of my own creation. It's plagued me most of my life in every way - this one point. Failure, with lots of derivatives of this - that's basically how I have defined myself and lived my entire life. Time for that to go. Right now it doesn't feel like a part of me, but something plastered and stuck in me - something that does not belong there. It has only limited me and that's all. I'm ready to move on from this. I am still a little apprehensive - this will probably be the end of my perceived self as mind. The whole idea of myself as the mind is based purely on fear - that is its roots. It is only limitation, something I used to like but it's unbearable now. It's not natural to be limited.
I was doing an Osho Tarot Card reading with Esteni, and she said to me to focus on your expression, not the problem. This whole time I have been focusing on the problem instead of myself here.
My cards were:
Moment to moment (issue)
We are the World (one on top of issue)
Thunderbolt (unconscious influences)
Adventure (conscious influences)
The Lovers (past patterns)
Participation (future patterns)
Understanding (who I am in relation to the issue)
Completion (Environment Card)
Suppression (Desires/Denials)
Celebration (outcome/key)
Esteni said the coolest thing about the Celebration card. First she said to point out the problems in the picture. I let my logical mind come in and say that they could get cold, they could get washed away, the flower petals would not be softly flowing down like that with so much rain, they could get washed away, etc. But regardless of all of this, the people dancing in the card, despite the rain and the flood - it didn't matter. Nothing mattered because they were expressing themselves. So what does this say? That no matter what problems there are, a system in my neck, or the world in chaos - be expressive and be yourself. Express yourself here. Because it's this expression which will stop the mess!! not the focusing on and brooding about the problem! I have been limiting myself entirely by focusing on this system in my neck, dwelling within it, and trying to fix it from the mind, instead of moving myself here and simply remembering who I really am. So I always felt stuck and lost within it, and so limited. That is no way to stop the system. Only the being can shut down the computer. The computer can't do it. It will fuck itself. So expression here in simplicity is the key, not focusing and dwelling on the problem.
The suppression card was this system of failure that I have been keeping going by focusing on it instead of simply living. I'd try to do both at the same time. I just need to flag these points where I go into the belief that I am failing and fucking up and dispel this. Esteni said I have to fail. What is failure to me? Well, the way I have been seeing it is that I fail when I am stuck in the mind, and in a mind haze. When I am thinking. So that must mean I am failing quite a lot. That sounds pretty stupid when I lay it out like this. Why do I keep trusting this mind? Why do I keep living in the fear that I am fucking up in some way in whatever I do, instead of giving myself the chance to live? Do I fear living or something? That is the point that comes up now. A fear of living?! Phew. OK, I am going to get through this point, I am sure of it.
Write later.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Demons, Mind-haze, being here, embracing
My main thought seems to be "I am thinking", which goes into worry and panic and feear. Just me brooding over this one thought for long enough brings me to the feelings of lostness, confusion, depression, anger, frustration, limitation, etc etc.
I've found that what I enjoy most is simply being here as this breath, flowing through the body. All of my thoughts are related to the fear of losing this, and becoming lost within the mind, seemingly 'cut off' from myself. When I feel lost within the mind, I get very depressed because it can feel like there is no way out, and that I am stuck. I have this a little now. I have a demon stuck in the back of my head, or the top of my neck, chattering away, and there is pain there. Bernard said this morning that I still feel inferior to this, which is causing the problem. I am seeing it as separate from me, and then I give it more power by seeing it as superior. At times I will realize that I am actually it, one and equal, but then I would go back into fear and resistance, fighting and struggling with it, which is what I have been doing this morning.
Bernard said that I sat up last night, and I was talking to him and Tertius (one of the dogs at the farm) with my eyes open, though I was still asleep. Trying to wake up but lost in that dreamstate. I remember trying to explain something to him but getting lost in my own words, having difficulty trying to express what I was experiencing, which was to do with the mind. This happens with me when the mind becomes a haze and I feel lost within it - it is very difficult to be clear in seeing just what is happening to me. Other times I can see it crystal clear and stop it, and it seems so simple.
Also I had a dream last night, where I talked to my demon through the Portal. I don't remember the exact lines, but what I remember is this:
"We're still in you, don't get overconfident. But the effects have lessened dramatically."
It said it in a sly kind of voice, kind of mocking. But supportive at the same time. A month to two months ago I was fully possessed and depressed, but I have broken through this a little, though not enough yet...I am frustrated for not remembering the exact lines, and very angry with myself for feeling the way I do now, when last night I was very much in my body and almost silent. I remembered more specifically this morning but then afterwards I got lost in this haze and with that I forgot exactly what it said. Man I am so angry for being in this mind haze! I am really tired of it. I am tired of getting lost and not being here - I want to be myself, not some mind/thoughts. What makes me angriest is the limitation I feel when I know in certainty that I am not limited by anything really - I can only seem to be by my own beliefs. But why do my beliefs seem so convincing at times like these, then ridiculous at other points? Man, I have a lot of anger about this.
So up and down, up and down I go. It is just locating the point that pulls me through and sticking to it. I know what it is - simplicity and embracing, instead of complexity and fighting. I have to consistently stand one and equal to the mind and see that it isn't systems as something separate from me doing this to me - it's me standing in separation to myself, which creates the conflict. I can't be afraid of the systems or resist them because in that I separate myself from them as myself. This morning I have still been fearing and resisting this point in my neck, this demon/program, which it obviously is. Still getting lost within it. Though not nearly as much as I was a month to two months ago. Last Saturday night I realized the point of embracing everything within me as me, which dissolves the conflict, because in reality, this IS what I have become, I have created it - the mind is what I have become. I can't stop the mind, because that is in separation. Not that I should be defined by it, though I have to be one and equal to it. I can stop MYSELF as what I have become as the mind - this is the solution. Embracing it as me, then stopping myself. Then the fighting and the separation ends. I just have to learn to do this consistently because I am still separating and struggling far too much, when I have found that it is useless, and only causes me to enslave me to myself. You're always enslaved to that which you are not standing equal and one with, because it means that you are not embracing you - you're separating you from you. So embracing and then letting go - this is the most crucial point I've learnt while being at the farm. Though useless if I keep fearing myself and keep separating myself in this fear.
It is cool because then nothing needs to be feared. In this way I can dissolve all of my fear altogether. I still have a lot of fear.
There are many things I want to get rid of within me. The idea that I need anyone else. The need for attention. Fear. Fighting and struggling with myself. The idea that I need love and adoration from a girl. The idea that I am separate from everything else in this existence. Limitation, and the belief that I am limited. The desire for sex. The desire to be myself here (!)
The key is simplicity, not fighting and making everything so complicated. I'm really tired of making everything so hard. All I have to do is stop the struggle and let go. The breath doesn't struggle to express itself, does it?
I have a lot of frustration and anger, with the feeling of being limited and stuck when in reality I'm not.
I keep limiting myself for people in the belief that I need their acceptance, instead of just going full out and living for life instead, absolutely. If I really have a look at it, when I want something from others and even get it, I am not even satisfied. It is just limitation.
I get this childish desire for attention from others, then feel like I have nothing without it. So much that I might not even write fully without making it sound neat and tidy, what comes out, in the fear of how crazy I might sound.
I have a lot of suppressed anger and frustration within me because of many things. Not being clear in my expression. Feeling cloudy and not seeing clearly what is going on within me and why. I don't want to make a pretty picture of this because it isn't. And it shouldn't matter what others may say. I don't want to create another false face for anyone. I just want to be honest with myself no matter what.
So what am I experiencing now? Fearing that people will judge me as disorientated, but I already have judged myself for this.
Ok I am reflecting too much on this, creating more shit. I may write later.
Bye.
I've found that what I enjoy most is simply being here as this breath, flowing through the body. All of my thoughts are related to the fear of losing this, and becoming lost within the mind, seemingly 'cut off' from myself. When I feel lost within the mind, I get very depressed because it can feel like there is no way out, and that I am stuck. I have this a little now. I have a demon stuck in the back of my head, or the top of my neck, chattering away, and there is pain there. Bernard said this morning that I still feel inferior to this, which is causing the problem. I am seeing it as separate from me, and then I give it more power by seeing it as superior. At times I will realize that I am actually it, one and equal, but then I would go back into fear and resistance, fighting and struggling with it, which is what I have been doing this morning.
Bernard said that I sat up last night, and I was talking to him and Tertius (one of the dogs at the farm) with my eyes open, though I was still asleep. Trying to wake up but lost in that dreamstate. I remember trying to explain something to him but getting lost in my own words, having difficulty trying to express what I was experiencing, which was to do with the mind. This happens with me when the mind becomes a haze and I feel lost within it - it is very difficult to be clear in seeing just what is happening to me. Other times I can see it crystal clear and stop it, and it seems so simple.
Also I had a dream last night, where I talked to my demon through the Portal. I don't remember the exact lines, but what I remember is this:
"We're still in you, don't get overconfident. But the effects have lessened dramatically."
It said it in a sly kind of voice, kind of mocking. But supportive at the same time. A month to two months ago I was fully possessed and depressed, but I have broken through this a little, though not enough yet...I am frustrated for not remembering the exact lines, and very angry with myself for feeling the way I do now, when last night I was very much in my body and almost silent. I remembered more specifically this morning but then afterwards I got lost in this haze and with that I forgot exactly what it said. Man I am so angry for being in this mind haze! I am really tired of it. I am tired of getting lost and not being here - I want to be myself, not some mind/thoughts. What makes me angriest is the limitation I feel when I know in certainty that I am not limited by anything really - I can only seem to be by my own beliefs. But why do my beliefs seem so convincing at times like these, then ridiculous at other points? Man, I have a lot of anger about this.
So up and down, up and down I go. It is just locating the point that pulls me through and sticking to it. I know what it is - simplicity and embracing, instead of complexity and fighting. I have to consistently stand one and equal to the mind and see that it isn't systems as something separate from me doing this to me - it's me standing in separation to myself, which creates the conflict. I can't be afraid of the systems or resist them because in that I separate myself from them as myself. This morning I have still been fearing and resisting this point in my neck, this demon/program, which it obviously is. Still getting lost within it. Though not nearly as much as I was a month to two months ago. Last Saturday night I realized the point of embracing everything within me as me, which dissolves the conflict, because in reality, this IS what I have become, I have created it - the mind is what I have become. I can't stop the mind, because that is in separation. Not that I should be defined by it, though I have to be one and equal to it. I can stop MYSELF as what I have become as the mind - this is the solution. Embracing it as me, then stopping myself. Then the fighting and the separation ends. I just have to learn to do this consistently because I am still separating and struggling far too much, when I have found that it is useless, and only causes me to enslave me to myself. You're always enslaved to that which you are not standing equal and one with, because it means that you are not embracing you - you're separating you from you. So embracing and then letting go - this is the most crucial point I've learnt while being at the farm. Though useless if I keep fearing myself and keep separating myself in this fear.
It is cool because then nothing needs to be feared. In this way I can dissolve all of my fear altogether. I still have a lot of fear.
There are many things I want to get rid of within me. The idea that I need anyone else. The need for attention. Fear. Fighting and struggling with myself. The idea that I need love and adoration from a girl. The idea that I am separate from everything else in this existence. Limitation, and the belief that I am limited. The desire for sex. The desire to be myself here (!)
The key is simplicity, not fighting and making everything so complicated. I'm really tired of making everything so hard. All I have to do is stop the struggle and let go. The breath doesn't struggle to express itself, does it?
I have a lot of frustration and anger, with the feeling of being limited and stuck when in reality I'm not.
I keep limiting myself for people in the belief that I need their acceptance, instead of just going full out and living for life instead, absolutely. If I really have a look at it, when I want something from others and even get it, I am not even satisfied. It is just limitation.
I get this childish desire for attention from others, then feel like I have nothing without it. So much that I might not even write fully without making it sound neat and tidy, what comes out, in the fear of how crazy I might sound.
I have a lot of suppressed anger and frustration within me because of many things. Not being clear in my expression. Feeling cloudy and not seeing clearly what is going on within me and why. I don't want to make a pretty picture of this because it isn't. And it shouldn't matter what others may say. I don't want to create another false face for anyone. I just want to be honest with myself no matter what.
So what am I experiencing now? Fearing that people will judge me as disorientated, but I already have judged myself for this.
Ok I am reflecting too much on this, creating more shit. I may write later.
Bye.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Depression
I've been experiencing much depression lately. It has been difficult to distinguish who I am from the mind because I have been feeling so overwhelmed by it. I seemed to have lost the drive I had before, now feeling like a complete different person. For a while it was easy to see that the mind is obviously not who I am, but recently I have been believing myself to be these personality constructs, the depression, the loneliness and isolation, and I have been feeling so wound up within it, like it is all that exists. Just feeling consumed by it. I don't think I have been stopping effectively. It will always be from the starting point of desperation, fear and panic. Which does not help anything at all. It only compounds everything. Maybe I fear actually changing. But I did not before - it seemed ludicrous to live as the mind. There was no point in holding on because it is only limitation. Now all of a sudden I fear to give up that which I know I don't even need. I have become a mind again lately, possessed by it, seemingly limited to it's ideas of solutions, which are useless because the problem is the mind itself. Though if I am believing myself to be it, what chance do I have of actually letting go? If I believe myself to be it, there is no way I can let go, because I will be too fearful of losing myself, or my idea of who I am, which is all I am in who I perceive myself to be at the moment.
So what has happened? I have not felt this locked up within the mind, nor was I believing myself to be my thoughts and personalities before. For a while there I was very clear and very certain, though I have not taken the complete step yet of actually completely walking through the fear of letting go of the idea of myself. I would always reach a point where a fear of absolutely letting go would arise and I would not push through it. I would be very silent besides this nagging, incessant fearm and I would always be lured into it. What is the fear? Fear of losing identity. Fear of realizing who I actually am as the mess of this world. Fear of having no place to seemingly hide from the world anymore. Fear of being exposed to myself. It is all hiding from myself behind perceptions and ideas of myself - false faces. Fearing to lose this in the belief that it is me, and in the belief that if I let go of this I will be nothing, plus fearing being undefined, seemingly having no point of reference, which I keep trusting the system/memory/knowledge to give to me, because it is familiar. These are the reasons why I have been fearing to let go absolutely - getting to a point where I am very clear but for this nagging fear within me that I always end up following.
So all of this leads to depression and limitation, which is all the perceived self consists of. All it is is limitation. I don't know why, after being into Desteni for so long, and realizing that I am not this mind, that I would go along with these fears and ideas of self, when at points I see and realize how absolutely ridiculous it is. It is the point of giving up self-interest, which has been scaring me a lot. No identity, no definitions, just emptiness, having to share myself with all and give up my selfish existence - yes, I have been fearing this. I keep believing that I am losing something. What am I losing but limitation? What am I losing but ideas? Why is it so difficult to give up something which is not real?
What else is there to do in this life, but give up the ideas of myself? I mean if I really have a look at it, if I were to stay as a walking definition that apparently exists but is only existant within the imagination, what would I do this life? I have looked at this and I see that there is nothing else worth living for. Everything else bores me to tears - I would not see any point in existing. So what am I doing now, in depression and thoughts, wandering around aimlessly - why am I doing this? Is there any point to me existing? I would say definitely not, as long as I stay this way. It is the same for most people. What would I do? Make money, buy a house, watch DVD's, listen to music, maybe find a girlfriend. That's it. I don't care about that stuff, it is boring. It is a life going nowhere, and it is all based on limitation of the mind. Everyone everywhere is doing the same things and everyone is bored out of their minds, actually. Because the mind is boring. So what the hell am I doing with my life, farting around in the mind? If I remain the way I am now, then I will remain the same- miserable, bored, limited. Why do I change so much? Not long ago I was ecstatic with being here, simply living and expressing me. Now all of a sudden this depression comes over me, like it has always been here. Which it probably has. This is really ridiculous. This is all mind shit - this depression, and the thoughts - this entire mindset. And I have just been accepting it as if it is actually me! What made me forget that this is not me?? Why does it seem like this is normal all of a sudden, like this is actually who I am, when at other points it was absolutely laughable to think that?! I remember just laughing at how ridiculous it was to believe that this little program, which now seems so big, could actually be who I really am. What happened? Why is it so difficult to see this now? It is times like this where I wonder if I have actually learnt anything at all. Or maybe this is part of the process? I don't know, but I can't settle for this because it really is depressing and boring, and I don't actually have to be like this.
Though I can't force myself out of this the way I have been trying to, because that was from the mind also. Grr, this is ridiculous and stupid. Enough of this bullshit.
David
So what has happened? I have not felt this locked up within the mind, nor was I believing myself to be my thoughts and personalities before. For a while there I was very clear and very certain, though I have not taken the complete step yet of actually completely walking through the fear of letting go of the idea of myself. I would always reach a point where a fear of absolutely letting go would arise and I would not push through it. I would be very silent besides this nagging, incessant fearm and I would always be lured into it. What is the fear? Fear of losing identity. Fear of realizing who I actually am as the mess of this world. Fear of having no place to seemingly hide from the world anymore. Fear of being exposed to myself. It is all hiding from myself behind perceptions and ideas of myself - false faces. Fearing to lose this in the belief that it is me, and in the belief that if I let go of this I will be nothing, plus fearing being undefined, seemingly having no point of reference, which I keep trusting the system/memory/knowledge to give to me, because it is familiar. These are the reasons why I have been fearing to let go absolutely - getting to a point where I am very clear but for this nagging fear within me that I always end up following.
So all of this leads to depression and limitation, which is all the perceived self consists of. All it is is limitation. I don't know why, after being into Desteni for so long, and realizing that I am not this mind, that I would go along with these fears and ideas of self, when at points I see and realize how absolutely ridiculous it is. It is the point of giving up self-interest, which has been scaring me a lot. No identity, no definitions, just emptiness, having to share myself with all and give up my selfish existence - yes, I have been fearing this. I keep believing that I am losing something. What am I losing but limitation? What am I losing but ideas? Why is it so difficult to give up something which is not real?
What else is there to do in this life, but give up the ideas of myself? I mean if I really have a look at it, if I were to stay as a walking definition that apparently exists but is only existant within the imagination, what would I do this life? I have looked at this and I see that there is nothing else worth living for. Everything else bores me to tears - I would not see any point in existing. So what am I doing now, in depression and thoughts, wandering around aimlessly - why am I doing this? Is there any point to me existing? I would say definitely not, as long as I stay this way. It is the same for most people. What would I do? Make money, buy a house, watch DVD's, listen to music, maybe find a girlfriend. That's it. I don't care about that stuff, it is boring. It is a life going nowhere, and it is all based on limitation of the mind. Everyone everywhere is doing the same things and everyone is bored out of their minds, actually. Because the mind is boring. So what the hell am I doing with my life, farting around in the mind? If I remain the way I am now, then I will remain the same- miserable, bored, limited. Why do I change so much? Not long ago I was ecstatic with being here, simply living and expressing me. Now all of a sudden this depression comes over me, like it has always been here. Which it probably has. This is really ridiculous. This is all mind shit - this depression, and the thoughts - this entire mindset. And I have just been accepting it as if it is actually me! What made me forget that this is not me?? Why does it seem like this is normal all of a sudden, like this is actually who I am, when at other points it was absolutely laughable to think that?! I remember just laughing at how ridiculous it was to believe that this little program, which now seems so big, could actually be who I really am. What happened? Why is it so difficult to see this now? It is times like this where I wonder if I have actually learnt anything at all. Or maybe this is part of the process? I don't know, but I can't settle for this because it really is depressing and boring, and I don't actually have to be like this.
Though I can't force myself out of this the way I have been trying to, because that was from the mind also. Grr, this is ridiculous and stupid. Enough of this bullshit.
David
Monday, November 10, 2008
Mind Lockdown
This past two to three weeks has been a massive challenge. I have allowed myself to be possessed by mind demons, I became insane for a little while, and for a few days it was so intense that I simply did not want to exist anymore. What made this all occur was me giving up on myself, believing it all to be too difficult for me to transcend, me believing myself to not be good enough, when the pressure came. It was me not willing to let go, fearing to let go of who and what I have defined myself to be as the mind. The more I gave up on myself, believing myself to be less than this experience of mind as absolute heaviness, depression, hopelessness and helplessness, the worse it got. Unfortunately I had to go to the point of being completely possessed and not wanting to exist anymore until I realised that I have to start over, I can't continue like this. I realised fully that there is no way out through giving up. Be my guest if you want to live within complete misery but it is not worth it.The worst of it was last Saturday, which would have been the first of November. I was walking around without knowing what to do, within complete misery. I had given up on myself too many times and that is what I reduced myself to. So once I was completely sick of feeling like that I just said that I want to start over.
At the moment the effects of the whole ordeal is much less. I still have a pressure on my head, I can still dwell on unnecessary shit and become confused, and I can still be down on myself, but I am learning to change my habits of mind. I've realised that I can't go on defeating myself because it is just no way to live. The whole experience has forced me to stand up for myself, though if I had done it without giving up before all of this happened, I would have saved myself a lot of trouble. I kind of regret not standing up earlier because I know I was able to, but I didn't. I allowed everything to compound and get worse and worse until I had a total mind lockdown, which I still am feeling today. Boughts of confusion, a weird pressure, like a clamp over my forehead, making it feel like I am locked in my head, fears such as letting go of who I believe myself to be completely, etc. It is strange that we hold onto our own enslavement and will always fight for our limitations - this strange behaviour has gone on long enough, right? I have been fearing letting go of who I have always believed myself to be, though it's with these beliefs and self-definitions of myself that I have been enslaving myself to - my fear of change has brought me to this state. I wonder if change is as bad as it seems, though I will never know if I don't take the plunge. Then I use the excuse that I don't know how to let go. There is no instruction book for this, and no map showing me where I will end up. The whole experience seems to be me forcing myself to trust myself, and finally take that step past old fears and into new territory. I never had the self-trust before. The last two to three weeks has really forced me to realise that I must trust myself, and that trusting the breath here is all that one can do. All else leads to self-interest, which will mean limitation and unfulfillment, eventually to extreme depression and confusion especially if you know what to do. If you know what to do, to honour yourself as life and to release yourself from constructs, but you give up on this or reject this, you are in for a rough ride. To give up on yourself when you are aware of what to do, you will see that you will be pushed to the absolute extreme to stand up, and you will see that there is no other way through this. Once you have seen what is here and what needs to be done, there is no turning back.You must drop the old life and embrace yourself as life, or life will drop you - simple as that.
I still have a few ticks going on. Weird feelings in my face. The pressure on my head that comes and goes. The feeling of being distant from everything here, like being within a bubble. But I have found that the key is to keep it simple and not dwell on and overcomplicate things - to slow everything down and relax with the breath. To force you to trust yourself here, not to go within crazy illusory adventures within the mind, full of turmoil and confusion. I still slip up but I am working on this, more and more convinced that the breath is the only way to do this, together with self-forgiveness, to sort out ourselves and this world. Give up on this and you give up on yourself. So don't do what I did! Keep pushing no matter what - giving up is no escape.
Start new in every moment of breath.
Cheers
At the moment the effects of the whole ordeal is much less. I still have a pressure on my head, I can still dwell on unnecessary shit and become confused, and I can still be down on myself, but I am learning to change my habits of mind. I've realised that I can't go on defeating myself because it is just no way to live. The whole experience has forced me to stand up for myself, though if I had done it without giving up before all of this happened, I would have saved myself a lot of trouble. I kind of regret not standing up earlier because I know I was able to, but I didn't. I allowed everything to compound and get worse and worse until I had a total mind lockdown, which I still am feeling today. Boughts of confusion, a weird pressure, like a clamp over my forehead, making it feel like I am locked in my head, fears such as letting go of who I believe myself to be completely, etc. It is strange that we hold onto our own enslavement and will always fight for our limitations - this strange behaviour has gone on long enough, right? I have been fearing letting go of who I have always believed myself to be, though it's with these beliefs and self-definitions of myself that I have been enslaving myself to - my fear of change has brought me to this state. I wonder if change is as bad as it seems, though I will never know if I don't take the plunge. Then I use the excuse that I don't know how to let go. There is no instruction book for this, and no map showing me where I will end up. The whole experience seems to be me forcing myself to trust myself, and finally take that step past old fears and into new territory. I never had the self-trust before. The last two to three weeks has really forced me to realise that I must trust myself, and that trusting the breath here is all that one can do. All else leads to self-interest, which will mean limitation and unfulfillment, eventually to extreme depression and confusion especially if you know what to do. If you know what to do, to honour yourself as life and to release yourself from constructs, but you give up on this or reject this, you are in for a rough ride. To give up on yourself when you are aware of what to do, you will see that you will be pushed to the absolute extreme to stand up, and you will see that there is no other way through this. Once you have seen what is here and what needs to be done, there is no turning back.You must drop the old life and embrace yourself as life, or life will drop you - simple as that.
I still have a few ticks going on. Weird feelings in my face. The pressure on my head that comes and goes. The feeling of being distant from everything here, like being within a bubble. But I have found that the key is to keep it simple and not dwell on and overcomplicate things - to slow everything down and relax with the breath. To force you to trust yourself here, not to go within crazy illusory adventures within the mind, full of turmoil and confusion. I still slip up but I am working on this, more and more convinced that the breath is the only way to do this, together with self-forgiveness, to sort out ourselves and this world. Give up on this and you give up on yourself. So don't do what I did! Keep pushing no matter what - giving up is no escape.
Start new in every moment of breath.
Cheers
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